Monday, January 21, 2008

The Big Picture...

Sometimes I wish I could just take a big ol' step back and take a look at the big picture.  I want to be able to see my perfect career and have a goal to work towards.  

Before I met Luke I prayed and prayed that God would let me meet 'the one'.  At first I would pray for really specific qualities. 'God, please give me someone who will'... fill in the blank... be my best friend, spend money on me, be super hot... all the things a seventeen year old girl would pray for.  Then I decided it was just flat out time to meet the one.  I wanted to to just meet him, we didn't have to fall in love immediately, he could have a girlfriend, we didn't even have to be in the zip code for a few years, but I just wanted to meet and recognize 'the one'.  And, of course, along came Mr. Lucas and all my prayers were answered!  (including the 'having a girlfriend' and 'moving away' part)

Now I'm wondering what I have to do to find the same answers for my job.  Something tells me that I won't be where I am forever and I just wish I knew which goal to work towards.  I know that I have a lot of potential with the company I'm with now, but just don't know that I can (or want to) keep up with the pace for very much longer.  My father has spent almost thirty years with the same company and I am positive that he hasn't exactly loved every minute of it. So I feel guilty not being satisfied with a good paying job that I know I'm good at.  

So here come the ridiculous prayers... can't I get paid for doing nothing, I could start my own brewing business, maybe I should start a franchise of some kind, can't I get paid what I'm making now for a job that is less stressful, couldn't I just win the lottery, maybe I should work for something that I really believe in, like a charity, what is my 'passion', is there anyway I can get paid for eating and drinking beer, should I stick with photography,  can I afford to base a small business investment on my skills as a photographer, what hours do I want, what comforts would we have to live without, is it possible to have it all...

And most of all I want to know when.  When will it all happen?  Do I have to stay in this job for another year? Another five years?  What?!

I recently found out that the decision on the promotion I am eligible for (which I was told would be made this week) won't be made until June!  How frustrating!  For  the first time in a long time I had a goal with my job...  if you move to B'ham and take over this crazy studio and start traveling all over the southeast you can look forward to a promotion after Christmas.  They never mentioned that it would be six months after Christmas!  So now I'm just feeling like I'm at a stand still.  Sure I'm on the same path, but now the destination is so much farther off!  Now what?  I was expecting a change in January (a lot of changes at that)... so now I just have to keep up the same momentum and hope that it works out for me in June?!  I just want to run screaming for the hills!  But I'm responsible enough to know that is not possible.  I have a commitment to our family to uphold and I take that responsibility very seriously.  But geez... I feel like I'm treading water here!

So this is the point that any sane person, or any member of AA would let me know to 'let go and let God', but I guess I'm loosing it a little.


Eleanor said...

I know what a hard thing this is, Jackie -- I'm nearly 50, and I get bit with the "is this what I'm supposed to be doing" bug with alarming frequency!

I love my job when I don't hate it. ;-)

The schedule and pace you have been keeping us drains ME, and I don't have to take the road trips!

I wish I had wisdom for you, other than this: some days it IS just about putting one foot in front of the other. You do that long enough, consistently enough, you eventually wind up where you are supposed to be, and what you do to make a living while you get there is the least important thing.

The author at the bookstore yesterday had something to say about this -- Follow Your Bliss -- but of course, the hard thing is to find what your bliss is!

My bliss is my family -- everything else is gravy, and sometimes that gravy is lumpy. I have a hunch you feel the same way.

Love you -- and am here to support you in anything you decide to do!

Pirate Bendy said...

Hang in there . . . it's trite but so true

I really think that what you need to do is find a day to celebrate a belated Live Like a Cat Day and SOON!!

I'm sure Mr. Sullivan will be happy to mentor you ;-)

Jason said...

Praying for you....and I cannot tell you how many times my Grandad would say something along the same line as "let go and let God" ....
Hope to see yall soon ....
Here is an idea..there is a play being performed at the Bham Festival Theater that is a fundraiser for the Bham AIDS Outreach....Maybe yall can go with us...Nick and laura are wanting to go and Jason can get us tickets..
Dates are Feb 21-24
Talk to yall soon