Monday, January 21, 2008

The Big Picture...

Sometimes I wish I could just take a big ol' step back and take a look at the big picture.  I want to be able to see my perfect career and have a goal to work towards.  

Before I met Luke I prayed and prayed that God would let me meet 'the one'.  At first I would pray for really specific qualities. 'God, please give me someone who will'... fill in the blank... be my best friend, spend money on me, be super hot... all the things a seventeen year old girl would pray for.  Then I decided it was just flat out time to meet the one.  I wanted to to just meet him, we didn't have to fall in love immediately, he could have a girlfriend, we didn't even have to be in the zip code for a few years, but I just wanted to meet and recognize 'the one'.  And, of course, along came Mr. Lucas and all my prayers were answered!  (including the 'having a girlfriend' and 'moving away' part)

Now I'm wondering what I have to do to find the same answers for my job.  Something tells me that I won't be where I am forever and I just wish I knew which goal to work towards.  I know that I have a lot of potential with the company I'm with now, but just don't know that I can (or want to) keep up with the pace for very much longer.  My father has spent almost thirty years with the same company and I am positive that he hasn't exactly loved every minute of it. So I feel guilty not being satisfied with a good paying job that I know I'm good at.  

So here come the ridiculous prayers... can't I get paid for doing nothing, I could start my own brewing business, maybe I should start a franchise of some kind, can't I get paid what I'm making now for a job that is less stressful, couldn't I just win the lottery, maybe I should work for something that I really believe in, like a charity, what is my 'passion', is there anyway I can get paid for eating and drinking beer, should I stick with photography,  can I afford to base a small business investment on my skills as a photographer, what hours do I want, what comforts would we have to live without, is it possible to have it all...

And most of all I want to know when.  When will it all happen?  Do I have to stay in this job for another year? Another five years?  What?!

I recently found out that the decision on the promotion I am eligible for (which I was told would be made this week) won't be made until June!  How frustrating!  For  the first time in a long time I had a goal with my job...  if you move to B'ham and take over this crazy studio and start traveling all over the southeast you can look forward to a promotion after Christmas.  They never mentioned that it would be six months after Christmas!  So now I'm just feeling like I'm at a stand still.  Sure I'm on the same path, but now the destination is so much farther off!  Now what?  I was expecting a change in January (a lot of changes at that)... so now I just have to keep up the same momentum and hope that it works out for me in June?!  I just want to run screaming for the hills!  But I'm responsible enough to know that is not possible.  I have a commitment to our family to uphold and I take that responsibility very seriously.  But geez... I feel like I'm treading water here!

So this is the point that any sane person, or any member of AA would let me know to 'let go and let God', but I guess I'm loosing it a little.