Did you miss me...

*note picture added as ironic side-note... I actually meant this... sad isn't it?

Probably not, but I'm back anyways...

You know how you feel when you run into an old friend that you haven't seen in years?  You used to be really close, but you just drifted apart.  Of course, you're excited to see them, but when they ask how you've been and what has been happening in your life, you just don't know how to sum up years worth of experiences so you just say...'not much'.  That's how I feel as I sit here typing.  It seems that all at once, everything and nothing at all has happened.  Work is work.  I could complain more, but I don't want to risk sounding like a broken record.  I am still in need of change and at risk of becoming stagnant.  I would look for new work, but it seems pointless.  I know too many people looking and not finding.  Besides I would be immediately fired if I was caught submitting my resume anywhere.  I make great money now. yeah.  I find myself starting to hate the green stuff.  I move to B'ham for this job/the promotion it promised and now I find myself not even wanting it anymore.  If I stick it out they may even move me to the great city of Philadelphia... awesome.  It is absolutely DUMB to give up my wages for a job that I am good at... on the verge of being the best at... but I feel my heart pulling me down another path.  Unfortunately all the things that I want seem to be ironically attached to money and if I leave this job for the sake of happiness/sanity those things will completely vanish as possibilities.  Sometimes I just want to crawl back into the womb.

LJM's previous TV appearance

As all of you I'm sure have suspected...

Yes, LJM has been performing under the assumed name 'Amanda Overmyer' on TVs beloved American Idol.  Please do not continue to vote for the LJM.  A vote for LJM actually binds you, in contract, with Satan himself.  You have been warned.

7 odd things about me...

Laura tagged me on her blog.... so here's my response...

1.  I LOVE television.  I'm not talking I watch an hour or two every night.  no, no. I plan my days around tv shows, wait with baited breath to see what has happened to my favorite characters and watch even the fluff shows (like Designing Women-- my favorite).  The awesome power of DVR has allowed me to have a somewhat normal social life, but even Luke knows not to disrupt 'my shows'.

2.  (in response to Laura's #2)  I cannot stand spicy foods.  I usually blame it on being allergic to my braces when I was in the fourth grade and having an open wound instead of a mouth for a year of my life... but really... I'm just a wuss.

3.  I have a tattoo of two 'f holes' on my back-- like Man Ray's "Violin d'Ingres".

4.  I love working with my hands.  Any excuse to get my hands dirty is a good one (almost).  As long as it is creative or constructive I enjoy it.

5.  I always wear a bra... even when I sleep.

6.  I'm really good with numbers.  I can recall long strings of numbers with relative ease.  Letters on the other hand... they always move around on me.  I can't spell and some days I can hardly read.  The entire time I was reading "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy "Gandalf" read to me as 'Gadlaf'.  I have no idea why.

7.  I love, love, love to make people laugh.  

So there ya have it!

In Desperate Need of a Change

So recently I have found myself waiting for a big change to come along.  I just needed something to happen.  I found myself just sitting around worrying, over nothing.  It was like a new hobby I was developing, the constant need to fret.  I never had anything to direct my frustrations at, just overall dissatisfaction.  Which is even more frustrating in and of itself, because I have so much to be happy about.  I have a good job, a fantastic husband and a ridiculously adorable cat.  But even still I had nothing in particular weighing on my conscience, and it was driving me crazy.  

A few weeks ago I went to visit a friend of mine who recently gave birth to her first child.  A beautiful little girl.  I did what any good friend/photographer would do in the situation.  I took pictures.  Because of my job I wasn't able to attend any of the pre-baby activities or really spend anytime at all with my friend while she was pregnant.  So I compensated for the potentially awkwardness of the situation by doing something I'm comfortable with... hiding behind my camera.  I couldn't quite empathize with the pain or drama or life altering affect of child birth so while everyone chatted I snapped photos.  So when that was done I just sat there in awe of the situation.  I have been friends with this girl for over ten years.  She was one of my first friends when we moved from Georgia to Alabama. The first time I met her she was in the eighth grade and carrying around a baby doll.  We stayed friends throughout high school and even  though I was a year ahead of her in school we ended up going to the same college and staying friendly.  She ended up being a bridesmaid in my wedding and I in turn was one of eight attendents in her wedding (which was just a few months after mine).  And now she is a mother. Crazy.  But I digress.  

So there I am sitting there in my friends house, holding her new baby and like a git what am I doing?!  Feeling sorry for myself. 

 The promotion I was waiting for had been postponed.  And as much as I had told myself I wouldn't, I put a lot of eggs in that basket.  We moved away from Montgomery for the sake of this promotion, knowing that we didn't want to end up in Birmingham.  We were living in rental with no hope of moving out anytime soon.  And I was working in a studio that was more of a hassle than it seemed to be worth.  I just felt stagnant.

So what do I take it out on?  What is the one thing in the bounds of my immediate control?  Trivial as it may seem... it was my hair.  

As long as I can remember (at least since puberty) I have had a strange relationship with my hair.  Growing up it was straight as a board and when adolescence came along, genetics threw me a curve ball and decided it was time for it to go curly.  So for an frizzy two year period I survived taunts of the chia pet jingle and classmates sticking pencils in my ponytail without my knowledge.  So like all pre-teen girls, I found something about my body to torture my self over. In my later teens I eventually grew to appreciate my curly hair, even though I still didn't like for anyone to touch it.  Then it turned into a force to reckon with.  All the sudden the teasing had taken another turn.  Jealous friends made it seem like I was flirting with some sort of unfair advantage and it was okay to make me feel guilty for getting attention from boys.  So what did I do then?  I took my senior trip and cut all of my hair off.  I had no more than two inches of length left.  I went to college with a short do and little bit less confidence.  Then came weight gain, re-growth, a bad dye job and the cycle starting all over again.  

I started growing it out when Luke and I began dating and cut it off after the wedding.  And since then I've been kind of in between.

 As a little girl my hair was a source of comfort for me.  My mother tells me that when I started 'acting wild' she would sit me down and braid my hair.  I'm sure it was just the simple act of making me sit still that did the trick, but to this day I'm never fully relaxed until my hair is pulled away from my face.  

So as I sat there wallowing for no good reason I made a decision.  The hair had to go.  It was weighing me down.  Along with my sister and another friend we planned a trip to a salon that accepted walk-ins and was open late.  Forty minutes later, I came out a new woman.  My outlook on life has actually changed since I've had my hair cut!  I feel refreshed and relaxed and ready to take on the world.  It is so funny to me that something that seems so trivial to most would have such an impact on me, but what can I say?  It has.  

The Big Picture...

Sometimes I wish I could just take a big ol' step back and take a look at the big picture.  I want to be able to see my perfect career and have a goal to work towards.  

Before I met Luke I prayed and prayed that God would let me meet 'the one'.  At first I would pray for really specific qualities. 'God, please give me someone who will'... fill in the blank... be my best friend, spend money on me, be super hot... all the things a seventeen year old girl would pray for.  Then I decided it was just flat out time to meet the one.  I wanted to to just meet him, we didn't have to fall in love immediately, he could have a girlfriend, we didn't even have to be in the zip code for a few years, but I just wanted to meet and recognize 'the one'.  And, of course, along came Mr. Lucas and all my prayers were answered!  (including the 'having a girlfriend' and 'moving away' part)

Now I'm wondering what I have to do to find the same answers for my job.  Something tells me that I won't be where I am forever and I just wish I knew which goal to work towards.  I know that I have a lot of potential with the company I'm with now, but just don't know that I can (or want to) keep up with the pace for very much longer.  My father has spent almost thirty years with the same company and I am positive that he hasn't exactly loved every minute of it. So I feel guilty not being satisfied with a good paying job that I know I'm good at.  

So here come the ridiculous prayers... can't I get paid for doing nothing, I could start my own brewing business, maybe I should start a franchise of some kind, can't I get paid what I'm making now for a job that is less stressful, couldn't I just win the lottery, maybe I should work for something that I really believe in, like a charity, what is my 'passion', is there anyway I can get paid for eating and drinking beer, should I stick with photography,  can I afford to base a small business investment on my skills as a photographer, what hours do I want, what comforts would we have to live without, is it possible to have it all...

And most of all I want to know when.  When will it all happen?  Do I have to stay in this job for another year? Another five years?  What?!

I recently found out that the decision on the promotion I am eligible for (which I was told would be made this week) won't be made until June!  How frustrating!  For  the first time in a long time I had a goal with my job...  if you move to B'ham and take over this crazy studio and start traveling all over the southeast you can look forward to a promotion after Christmas.  They never mentioned that it would be six months after Christmas!  So now I'm just feeling like I'm at a stand still.  Sure I'm on the same path, but now the destination is so much farther off!  Now what?  I was expecting a change in January (a lot of changes at that)... so now I just have to keep up the same momentum and hope that it works out for me in June?!  I just want to run screaming for the hills!  But I'm responsible enough to know that is not possible.  I have a commitment to our family to uphold and I take that responsibility very seriously.  But geez... I feel like I'm treading water here!

So this is the point that any sane person, or any member of AA would let me know to 'let go and let God', but I guess I'm loosing it a little.

And now Christmas can begin...

Finally, after a gruelling 2 months of blah Christmas work I, on December 24th, will begin celebrating Christmas.  It finally feels like the holiday has begun.  It seems silly (since we've had our work Christmas tree up since October 22nd) but its not Christmas unless I can relax.  

Luke and I will be opening presents this afternoon.  Its a little bit of a downer not to be able to wake up in our own bed Christmas morning and promptly begin opening presents but I'll take it.  Really, any time spent with my fantastic husband is a holiday so I can't complain.  I can't wait to see what he thinks of his gifts.  We told each other that we wouldn't do much gift buying since I happen to be typing on our biggest Christmas gift right now... but I think we both knew we would end up with a quite a few goodies under the tree.  Besides I just can't help but spoil the man I love.  My biggest gift to my self has been paying off our biggest Christmas gift to one another.  As much as I complain about work (and no, I won't get into a rant right now... even though I could) I am so proud that I have a job that allows me to provide a few luxuries for our little family.  I even got to go and buy the kitten a few stocking stuffers.  Maybe they'll distract him long enough that he'll forget just how tasty that pine flavored water under the tree is...  maybe not.

For all of you that we will be able to see today or tomorrow... I can't wait!  And for those of you we may not see, I hope you have a very Merry Christmas with your families and I hope to see you soon!

JOY to the world

So...Montgomery, Memphis, Orlando and Tuscaloosa... phew!

Needless to say, I've been traveling again.  It has been a busy couple of weeks, but good none the less.  I'm really enjoying my new position as a 'traveling manager' but it can be a bit exhausting.  Its just being away from home that is exhausting.  I never really relax unless I can sit on my couch with my husband and maybe, just maybe watch a little Designing Women on the the dvr.  I'm home now, thank goodness, and the prospect of traveling out of state (again) is still looming somewhere in the not-so-distant future, but I am going to enjoy it while I can.

Christmas started the week before Halloween for me.  We have a fully decorated six foot Christmas tree in our first camera room complete with presents, a fire place and rug.  'Just like your own living room! hehe!' ...sigh.  I really do love my job (most days), but my lord!  Do people have to become even more obnoxious to celebrate the season of Christ's birth?  It is supposed to be 'the most wonderful time of the year' and people just get more crabby and pushy than ever before.  They suddenly become the only people on the planet who have families to feed and presents to buy.  'But you don't understand? I have a child! Why should I have to wait fifteen minutes after my appointment to have my portraits taken?!'  First off ma'am everyone here has a child.  And that is exactly why we are running fifteen minutes behind schedule!  Secondly, I'm sorry we don't have any more cards that have 'merry Christmas' on them, but I didn't design them!  Besides, would you like to explain to me why you had to have your pictures next to our fully decorated tree complete with presents, fireplace and rug for Christmas?  I think maybe just maybe next year you should dress up your family in nativity costumes, and every one will know exactly how pure and christian your family is at Christmas!  Little Billy can be the baby Jesus, daddy can be Joseph and you can be the ass!  

I really do love Christmas.  I love my family.  I love the gifts and, God knows, I love turkey, but come on!  I know, I know... my business would be nearly as booming if it weren't for the holiday rush, but seriously... give a nickle to the Santa in front of Wal-mart, share a fruitcake and have a little more patience for those that serve you.

I think my favorite Christmas tradition came from the Lucas family.  On Christmas eve after church they go to the local Waffle House in their Christmas finest, chow on some delicious greasiness and tip the waitress (who God love her is working on Christmas eve!) one hundred dollars!

Okay, so maybe I'm venting a little to early in the season, but ya know, when Christmas starts before Halloween and lasts after the new year its hard to stay jolly.  Maybe it will help when my family (Luke, the kitten and me) begin our own holiday festivities.  But even then, I don't want to 'rock around the Christmas tree' until after thanksgiving!  Oh well, this is my third Christmas with PI and they are always interesting if nothing else.  I love being busy, I love seeing my bonus grow and, believe it or not, I love to see happy customers!  So here I go again... 'Its the most wonderful time of the year...'